


Eyes locked forward

by azvrath



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Death, F/M, Love, Pain, Post-Time Skip, Self-Indulgent, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, The Rumbling (Shingeki no Kyojin), attack on titan - Freeform, fluff if you squint, shingeki no kyojin - Freeform, slight nsfw, this series has literally killed me two times over
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29475381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azvrath/pseuds/azvrath
Summary: You love Eren, but it isn't enough to save him.
Relationships: Eren Yeager & Reader, Eren Yeager/Reader, Eren Yeager/You, Eren x Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 37





	Eyes locked forward

**Author's Note:**

> spoilers for manga chapter 119 and beyond

_"I did love you once. But that was when I thought you weren't like the rest of them:_ **_a slave."_ **

If Hell was real, the fire that scorched it realms could never compare to the way your heart burned when he had told you those words yesterday, only mere hours before he begun the destruction of all lands beyond Paradis. You waited for a sign, a quiver, a betrayal in his expression--anything to tell you that he didn’t mean what he just said to you, that he was just too caught up in the moment. But those blue-green eyes, absent all of life, continued to stare coldly at you, as if you truly were nothing to him but a pebble on the side of the street.

And that was when you realized that your Eren wasn’t here anymore.

You remember the first time you’ve met him. Blue-green eyes with a certain intensity that reminded you of the fiery blazes of the sun, he swept you off of your feet when his zealous words and promises of revenge and freedom made you realize that there was hope within these walls, that humanity’s savior trained right beside you. The way he was eager and happy beyond words when you agreed to his sentiments and provided opinions of your own further intensified those emotions of yours, feeling yourself get attached to everything he offered. Your feelings were confirmed when he was revealed to be one who can become a titan, telling you that it was only Eren who can guarantee a future for all of humanity. 

Yet, as both of you spent countless conversations under swirls of red-orange and the occasional star-ridden darkness of the night sky, you no longer bonded over only shared goals of freedom. First it was your smiles, then it was jokes, then it was the sudden appreciations over being there for each other, tinges of red appearing both on your faces. And on a Thursday night, when both of you had gingerly kissed for the very first time, Eren and you realized that you had given a half of yourselves to each other.

That was why it was worth and continued to be worth it for the longest time, because Eren was there, as you were for him. Countless sorrows, imminent grief, frequent loss, the guilt of surviving while hundreds of the soldiers you all fought with were left either mangled or eaten--they all became bearable because both of you leaned on each other, melding beautifully into one whole that only fueled the strength you had.

What foolish thinking.

You remember the first time he touched you. It was a week before your first ever visit to Marley, just a little over a year ago. Eren had drastically changed, much more quieter and solemn, he had a habit of staring into space with a deeply blank look in his eyes. It hurt you to see him like this, the pains of the world consuming his soul, but it was enough for you to be by his side and easing his woes even just little, something you knew you were able to do when an adoring, sincere grin appeared on his face. Yet, besides that, both of you barely spoke as much as you did in your past, usually resolving to sitting in comfortable silence as you stared at the vast green scenery of the island. That was why it greatly surprised you when he had appeared in your bedroom that evening, hand caressing your cheek and lingering there, his eyes intently looking at your features, as if he was trying his best to memorize it. And when he asked if he could lay in bed with you that night, hands moving down to the collar of your nightgown and gently clutching it, you smiled and whole-heartedly agreed.

You can still vividly recall every feeling Eren had managed to procure from you that evening. His hands were like the paintbrush of a talented painter, brushing even the slightest upon your skin and producing a magnificent shade of color that you’ve never experienced and seen in your life. Both of you were inexperienced, two people lost in a world that they thought they understood so well, but realized that they actually knew nothing all. But if you were to say that the experience wasn’t heavenly, that the way he had moved against you wasn’t divine and almost brought you to tears, you would be lying. Because it was absolutely beautiful, ethereal even. In the first time in years, both of you tasted the feeling of happiness, what it meant to be alive. Both of you understood that maybe you were born to live in this exact moment, intimately connected as if tomorrow was such a distant concept.

The memory of it was a treasure in your heart that you swore to never reveal and offer to someone else, identifying it as sacred and a light in this dark tunnel you have been facing. 

(Now your heart only twists in ache, for the treasure had altered into poison.)

As you reminisce, you suddenly come to a painful realization that that evening was the last time Eren had stayed alive. Both of you laid in bed afterwards, entangled in each other’s arms as you attempted to fall asleep. You remember thinking that this was the essence of being alive, until Eren had suddenly tightened his grip around your body, his arms shaking in the process. He acted as if he was in fear, fear that you were going to slip away and leave forever if he even loosened it just a bit.

_“Eren,”_ you said his name in a concerned tone, _“What’s wrong?”_

He was whimpering. You realized that it wasn’t only his arms that shook, but his whole body did, his heart hammering rapidly within his chest.

_“In the future, I want you to find happiness no matter what happens, even if it isn’t with me._ **_I want you to be free_ ** _, like we’ve always longed for.”_

You stayed silent for a second, stunned from his words, before smiling and hugging him tighter in return.

_“Eren, wherever you end up running to and wherever you go, look to the distance and know that I am there too. Freedom is still what I consider happiness, but now I realize having you in my life is too.”_

That conversation, the desolation in his words, the venom in his tone when he had told you were no longer important to him--it all made sense to you now. His attack on Marley, his subsequent escape from his prison here, activating the rumbling and releasing all those colossal titans to wreck havoc to all the lands beyond Paradis--Eren knew that this was going to happen. Long before the Marley trip, long before you made love, he knew that he was meant to destroy the world the moment everyone decided you were all devils. He knew that the blood of all the innocent people that made up numerous nations was going to be on his hands. He knew that he was going to have to kill who he was, and that was why he said those words to you that evening. Because despite that all, despite how much you mattered to him, _it isn’t enough._ It isn’t enough to save Paradis, it isn’t enough to vanquish the fear people had on the island you called home, it isn’t enough to change the future.

You love Eren, but it isn’t enough to save him. It isn’t enough to save you all.

Sacrificing himself and everything he held dear to his heart for the sake of freedom, there was no going back to who he was, and there was no going back _to you._

_That’s why he said it,_ you tell yourself, _because he knew how painful it would be when I will have to face him._

As you currently lay huddled against the campfire, the woods deathly quiet for almost everyone around you slept, silent tears cascaded down your cheeks. Not because you understand that what he told you was a lie, but how much he had to slice himself up for the sake of protecting all of you. This wasn’t fair. None of this was. Why wasn’t he given another choice? _Why?_

A new resolve develops in your heart as you quiver from the tears that refused to stop spilling from your eyes. It didn’t matter what will happen, what will happen to you, you will get Eren back. You will save him, away from the crimes he was forced to commit, away from the cruelty of the world that refuses to leave him alone.

Because wherever Eren runs to, wherever he ends up being in, you will always be there in the distance, ready to lift him up when he ends up crashing to the ground.


End file.
